Slowing Down
How the hell do I rest?
There's too much I want to do. I want to build a better company, fix my old one, lose 5% of my body fat, run a marathon, record an album, play live shows with the band, meet new people, hang out with my friends more regularly, be better about reaching out, keep up with AI, learn "vibe coding", travel with the kids, travel with my wife, meditate, play video games, lift weights, write a book, lecture every week.
Did I mention I need to write for this blog? Because I need to do that, too.
That's the word - need. Why do I need to do so much? Why am I constantly adding new projects when my old ones aren't even close to completion, when my schedule is full and I come home every day completely exhausted?
Within every project, there are more projects. "Build a better company" alone is an easy 60 hours a week, if not more. Every single thing in that list will expand to fill any amount of space I give it - each topic, once its surface is scratched even a tiny bit, cracks open to reveal a universe of complexity inside. You can just run marathons, and that can be enough. You will never run out of books to read, things to learn, experiments to try, people to meet. Never.
And yet, I feel compelled to do that and ten other things.
My bedside table has a pile of books on it at all times. One of those is a Kindle, which contains dozens of books, all partially read. People who have taken my courses know that I do not fetishize finishing books - I like the freedom to flit from one thing to another, like the cross-pollination that occurs as a result. But maybe - just maybe - there's a point of diminishing returns here?
If I am honest, I feel compelled to do because a part of me still suspects I am not enough. I don't have enough, I'm not secure enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not talented enough. I have told myself for decades that I need to make up for my natural deficiencies: awkward, not charismatic, slow, gullible. I need to read more, know more, build more, do more, be more.
"I will outwork them." That has been my motto. And it's worked! It's worked splendidly - I have a beautiful wife, wonderful kids, a good lifestyle, no boss. It worked.
And yet.
And yet, sometimes it feels as if this strategy is going haywire, shooting sparks and flailing around like a malfunctioning robot in a sci-fi movie.
This really hit me recently when, as I desperately work to revive my agency, start several new exploratory projects, practice for tour, work out, spend time with my wife and kids, etc...
...I also decided to enter a calorie deficit and lose some weight.
All of a sudden, on top of having a million different tasks and projects and problems flying at me every day, I was also struggling with brain fog. My sleep was disrupted, I had less energy, and I couldn't focus. I made everything 10x harder when I should have focused on making things easier.
This is a pattern. Maybe I'm a masochist. Maybe I'm middle-aged and afraid of dying. Maybe I have undiagnosed ADHD.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
What is clear to me:
This is not the way.
When you try to do everything at once, you get very little done and make very little progress. As a friend used to say, "You can have it all - just not at the same time." This is because finishing things in sequence - rather than working on everything simultaneously - allows you to complete projects and then accrue their benefits.
Otherwise, you end up waiting till the very end - when everything finishes up - to get any benefit from your work. Over time, this adds up to massive loss of performance.
Thing is, I know this, and over and over again, I make the same mistake anyway. I take on too much. I do too many things at once. I try to be everything to everyone, all the time.
And you know what?
I love that part of myself.
That part of myself that does not accept "no" for an answer. The part of myself that's always curious, always excited, always on fire with possibilities. I love the part of myself that sees no limitations, no obstacles, that believes, wholeheartedly, in the absolute best and most capable version of me.
Like anything where we're torn between parts, where we vacillate from one extreme to the other (in this case, wanting to do it all and wanting to beat myself up over it), maturity is about mediating between these parts, seeing their value, listening to their wisdom while gently and compassionately avoiding their follies.
I've had to make some hard decisions. I can't do it all at the same time - I have to prioritize. And so, I've decided to move this blog from weekly to monthly for a while. Not an easy choice - I love writing the blog, and I love what the practice of writing makes available to me. It's time to focus on the bottom line, on stabilizing income, and so that's what I'm going to do.
So - I'll see you in a month. That's not so long, is it?
Yours,
Dan
COOL STUFF I'M READING:
Definitely worth reading.